Ice Cream Man - Converse Should be Proud

Ice Cream Man

Director: Paul Norman

Mom, mom, the ice cream man's here. The ice cream man's here. –Child

It's classified, Ice Cream Man; it's classified. –Detective Maldwyn

You're right. Not every day is a happy, happy, happy day. –Ice Cream Man

This isn't a game boys. There's a child stalker out there and you two are playing cops and robbers. –Detective Maldwyn

I checked out Ice Cream Man. I couldn't find squat. –Detective Maldwyn

That's what I call a brain freeze. –Ice Cream Man

Who's the Pied Piper now, Ice Cream Dick? –Small Paul

Ready to groan? Read this Netflix description of my latest 30@30 movie:

I scream … you'll definitely scream! A child witnesses the gruesome murder of "The Ice Cream King" and grows up to become a demented, mass-murdering ice cream man (played by Clint Howard, brother of director Ron Howard). How about some sprinkles on that eyeball parfait? The surprisingly deep supporting cast includes Olivia Hussey, Lee Majors, David Naughton, Jan-Michael Vincent and David Warner.

First of all… surprisingly deep? I don't know what they meant by that, but there was nothing deep about this movie. And why'd they have to go and drag poor Ron Howard's name into this!? Can't baby brother Clint stand on his own acting chops? I mean, he was one of the stars of Gentle Ben as a child, and has several small credits to his name.

I don’t know which is worse in this movie: the acting or the writing. It's awful. And I don't mean that in an "it's so awful, it's awesome!" way, like Event Horizon or Get Over It are so awful they're awesome (I will watch these movies over and over again and not apologize). I mean this movie was just awful. I conned a friend of mine into watching it with me, and I really wish I could have recorded our reactions and conversation. I'm pretty sure we spent the majority of the movie alternating between hysterics and confusion (confusion at how this movie was ever made).

However, on RottenTomatoes.com, one of the three "reviews" (though how "Oh clint howard" can be considered a review, I do not understand) is from a movie critic who says it's "the greatest movie of all time." I hope he was being sarcastic. However, I also saw a comment on youtube.com from someone who says it's the best ice cream man movie made. And, of course, the person who recommended this to me, thinks it's so bad it's good. But I just don't see it. By the way, if you're curious, here's a slightly pixelated trailer for the movie:

Fun fact about Ice Cream Man: Converse sponsored it, in part. That explains why everyone – villain and hero alike – wore Chucks and why the cameraman seemed so obsessed with them. Also, instead of hiring a fat kid to play Tuna Cassera (no lie, that's the character's name, as listed in the credits), they very obviously decided to hide a pillow and shoulder pads under a skinny kid's shirt. Please note, Tuna is not a nickname in this movie; there is no other, formal,  name given to this character, there no quotations around Tuna in the credits and the kid's parents even call him Tuna. Methinks the writer was partaking in some of mom's old-fashioned tuna and noodle casserole when this name was invented. How much do you want to bet the character's middle name is Nudal? Poor, poor "fat" little Tuna Nudal Cassera.

Another ridiculous aspect of this movie is its preoccupation with plastic, spinning sunflower lawn ornaments, which are very clearly meant to denote the mentally, emotionally and criminally insane characters. The Ice Cream man has several staked into the lawn outside his abandoned ice cream parlor. Nurse Wharton mentions longingly – and quite seriously – that she wishes he'd plant some in her yard. The doctors in the mental hospital – and don't even get me started on THAT scene – also play with the plastic flowers.

My takeaway: Adults should always listen to their children and investigate before dismissing their stories as crazy, even if they sound as absolutely ridiculous as, "Small Paul is missing and I think the Ice Cream Man snatched him!" And cops who refer to a guy as "Ice Cream Man" to his face in lieu of his real name are probably better off not investigating a child abduction.